There are some other areas I want to cover.  For instance, when you feel as if you have no choice and learning that you always have a choice.  I also want to address when you feel like you are going backwards or taking a step back, how that is actually a positive sign that you are moving in the right direction.

Today, I just want to take a moment to cover reducing anxiety by telling you about my journey… college.

Tomorrow I will start school at a different college than I have been going to.  For the last two years or so I have been going to a local community college, but tomorrow I will be going to a University.  I have been having some anxiety about it, mainly because the campus is so large and I was afraid I would not be able to find my way around!  So I made a choice, in order to reduce the stress and anxiety I drove up to the school yesterday and drew a map.  First – where to park, second – where the book store and restaurants are, and lastly – where my classes are.  I walked to each building while the campus was closed.  When I left I felt an enormous sense of relief!  My anxiety level dropped considerably!

Taking steps to reduce anxiety is imperative to bipolar no more!

I hope everyone is fabulous!

PS:  There is a blog I read, James Claims (http://jamesclaims.wordpress.com/), his last blog shows the importance of recognizing “choice”.  I have been reading his blog for a while and I, personally, can see the difference in the way he is writing.  Describing the choices he is making is a true sign of healing!  And choices are like chips!  Once you start it is hard to stop!

Remember “I CHOOSE”!

The key to this exercise is not just writing about the big choices but small one as well.

For one week keep track of at least ten choices a day that you make. Start with the simple stuff like I choose to brushed my teeth – the consequence of that choice is fresh breath and no cavities! Include big choices like I chose to go 65 mph in a 45 mph zone – the consequence of that choice was that I made it to work on time which relieved stress – (or) – the consequence of that choice was a speeding ticket which will cost money and create stress. Follow that up with I choice to handle this by paying the ticket right away and I choose to let it go and move on.

Take a break after your first full week. But don’t stop making the connections and conscious choices to decrease stress. Making those choices will create control over your own life!

After a break of about a week, pick your journal back up but stick to the choices that create stress using the choices – consequences journal!

I realize for someone who is not bipolar this (choices = consequences) seems like common sense, a person with bipolar disorder does not necessarily lack common sense but some people (all that I have ever met) with bipolar disorder do lack the thinking process of choice = consequences.

PS This (in my opinion) is a good exercise for anyone who does not feel control over their own life!

So is every wave a trigger? Are just the storms triggers? Or is the glimpse of hope a trigger? Or are all three or none of them triggers?

The best answer I could come up with, and what I found to be true, is the trigger is lack of control. Not lack of control of my environment, because like the ocean it cannot be controlled, but lack of control of my life, the boat. For whatever reason, nature or nurture or perhaps both, I never acquired the knowledge or skill to captain my own ship – my own life!

This all goes back to choices and consequences and not seeing the connection. If I steer the boat to the left, and the storm is to my right, I will miss the storm. But if I do not see the connection between the direction of my life and the storms in my life I will never steer clear of them, sadly – most people with bipolar disorder place themselves in the middle of them!

If I have not stressed the fact that the choice and consequence disconnect has been in my observation, not only in myself, but many people with bipolar disorder the trigger, then I have failed! I truly believe and, as for myself know for certain, that learning the connection between the choices we make and the consequences of those choices is the key to bipolar no more!

Life happens, life is not the trigger, it is the choices we make along the way.

I think now is the time to take a look at doing a choices and consequences journal! Next blog, connecting the dots – the line between choices and consequences.

If this sounds a lot like you, well, you are not alone. I have spoken to many people that go through the same experience all the time. They often change jobs expecting something different, only to find it is the same or even worse! In addition, people who just suffer from depression have a very difficult time holding down a job.

But work is the deal unless you want to live under a bridge (which some people do choose) or unless you get lucky to marry someone who is willing to support you and put up with you (that person, btw, does not exist!).

So what can you do?

Becoming balanced is the answer to that work question.

But what do you do until…

First, find something you really want to do! Even if it means driving a cheaper car or living in a cheaper apartment or whatever! There is an old saying, “Follow your heart and the money will come.” Well, that is crap! But if you follow your heart and do what you enjoy, then eventually, if you work on all areas of your life, balance will come.

Second, set boundaries even at work. Not with just the people you work with but with yourself. I have worked with so many people who were “over sharers”. Keep your personal business out of the office. It is not anyone’s business at work that you take medications or what meds you take or that you have a psych appointment!

Third, just like the human inventory you did for everyone in your life, do one for the people you work with. Identify the healthy people, those are the people you want to be around, work close to, and/or go to lunch with (remember mirroring)! And the toxic people… avoid them like the plague! Not only will they make you miserable, but you will mirror them as well!

All of these steps will be of great value to you on your journey to bipolar no more!

Well, from the day I decided I did not want to be dependent on medication to be balanced until I had taken the necessary steps in my life to acquire balance – I would say about a year. During that year I slowly decreased my medication while working my butt off. It was a lot of give and take. When I found that I had made progress, such as handling a trigger without becoming manic or depressed, I would decrease my medication. When I made a big step, such as volunteering with a dog rescue and kept a commitment – showing up every Saturday for a whole month, I would decrease my medication. And so on! It was a process, it still is actually! I may no longer be on meds but I work every day at staying balanced. Remember, everyones journey is different, however, that it is the best part! It is YOUR journey!

Even now I am working on a huge source of stress, being a Mom – yet letting go of my adult child. I love my son so much, he is my only child, but he is a grown-up and it is time for me to let him be one. I have a choice, I can argue with him about the choices he is making, stress over every bad choice he makes, try and control his action (which never works BTW) or I can enjoy my son’s life, embrace his mistakes as his and hope that he learns from them. But if he doesn’t, accept that there is nothing I can do but love him for who he is. I have a choice, I always have a choice, and I choose to let go and love him for the man he has become. I choose to trust myself, the way I raised him, and that whatever choices he makes are his and have nothing to do with me.

So the answer to the question, “How long does the whole process take?” – is FOREVER! But it is an incredible journey!

For those people who are not toxic, but display unhealthy behaviors I set boundaries. I am very clear with the people in my life. I am very straight forward about my mental health and why it is important to set boundaries with people.

An example: I have a friend who really likes to party. Not all the time but she likes to party pretty hard. I have went out with her on a couple of occasions and realized how unhealthy her behavior was. Close to toxic! However, as long as I do not go out on the town with her we can be really good friends. So I have told her that, although I enjoy her friendship, I cannot go out partying with her. It took a couple of times of her asking and me saying no, but she finally gets it and no longer asks.

Again, (and I will say this over and over again) talk to your therapist about how to approach people and how to set boundaries with them.

Your choices will get better and better every time you set a boundary with a person. You will begin to see how strong you really are. You will also begin to feel healthier with every boundary you set and keep.

I hope you are doing well in this journey! And again if you have any questions or any comments please feel free to contact me! You can leave a comment here or you can contact me via email @ nomorevictim68@yahoo.com

Now that your human inventory is complete, and in the next several blogs, I would like to address the issue of having a job and dealing with the people you work with. I will then address triggers, how to identify them and what to do about them! And soon we will work on building a support system, building self-esteem, and making a choices – consequences journal!

Love, Veronica

Happy New Year everyone!  I hope you all have a fabulous 2012 and if you so desire, find recovery, health and healing this year!

Love, Veronica

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 3,700 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Look at the side of your list that says healthy people.  Think about what it is about them that you believe makes them healthy.  Make a list of those behaviors.  This is an important task.  Being able to identify healthy behavior in other people can also help you identify healthy behavior in yourself and behavior you can mirror.  But wait!  Before you carve that list in stone take the time to discuss these behaviors with your therapist.

It is important to get feedback  from an outside person because what you may think is healthy may not be.

For instance, let’s say you wrote Jill is always there when I need her.  Is that healthy, or do you just like that behavior?  Perhaps you need to expand on why you think that is healthy.  Is Jill at your every beckon call?  Is she the go to person for everyone?  Or is she just a great person to talk to because she never judges or give advice – she just listens?

Discussing these behaviors with a therapist can help you identify what is really healthy and what is not.  Your judgement may be skewed, colored by bipolar disorder!

Eventually you will be able to trust your own judgement!  It will come and with that trust you will heal enormously! Trusting yourself is a very important step in bipolar no more!  We will cover how to work on trust soon!  Promise.  But for now… lets work on that list!

The first step is taking an inventory of the people in your life.  Making a list of the healthy people and the unhealthy people in your life can be very difficult.  Identifying the healthy people can be life changing, but identifying the unhealthy people can be life saving.

So on a sheet of paper make two columns: one that says healthy and one that says unhealthy.  Take your time placing each person into a category.  Include family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.  Don’t rush, give each person considerable thought.  Think about what they add to your life and whether it is more positive than negative or vice-versa.  If you are not sure which side to place a person on – give yourself a couple of times to interact with that person before you decide.  Now that you are becoming aware of how a person affects you and your life you might notice some things you had not before.

As a bipolar prone person, I believe, most are not aware of the people in their lives and how everyday interaction with those people affect their mood.  Bipolar humans, in my experience, are pretty self absorbed.  Maybe out of necessity, basically as a survival strategy just trying to keep up with ones own mood and whether they are up or down.  Whatever the reason, in order to be bipolar no more I believe you must access the humans in your life and take action in order to create a stable world for yourself.

As for taking action, well we have a journey ahead of us.  So for now make your list, I will move onto step 2 in a few days!

In order to reduce medications, to eventually eliminate or perhaps just to maintain better control, first you must understand why you are taking medication.  I know, to be better!  But that is not all. Are you taking med X to stabilize your mood or for anxiety.  Once you know why you are taking med X find out what the side effects are.  Then if you plan on reducing or eliminating med X find out the proper way to stop taking it.  NEVER COLD TURKEY!  Cold turkeying a med can lead to severe consequences!  Including extreme mania, hallucination, extreme depression, seizures, etc.  So before deciding to take a big step, step into your doctor’s office and talk to him or her first.  But go in prepared!  You will more than likely not be taken seriously if you walk in ill-prepared.

So make a list!   Make a list of the meds you are currently on and every thing you know about them.  Explain why you want to reduce or eliminate the drug and if you are med reducing period state that you are not looking to replace it.

Secondly, talk to your therapist about what you are about to do.  Ask him or her if they are willing to support your decision.  Explain that you have a plan and discuss your plan with them, also discuss your med list with them! (If you do not have a therapist, I do not suggest on embarking on elimination of medication.  You will need a therapist – so go and find one!)

So the list, what to include:

Take for instance Topamax – Topamax is prescribed as a mood stabilizer to individuals who suffer from bipolar depression, but is actually an anti-seizure medication, so what does that mean?  Topamax blocks certain chemicals and promotes production of GABA, which regulates neuronal excitability throughout the entire nervous system.  Basically it smooths out the nervous system.  The side effects are: Sleepiness, pins and needle effect usually in the arms or legs, carbonated drinks no longer taste very good, weight loss, memory loss (sometimes severe cognitive impairment).

Find out what the half-life is and how long it takes to get out of your system, as well as how you should stop taking the medication.

Again, lets take Topamax.  The half life for Topamax is approximatiely 24 hours.  So every 24 hours half of the Topamax is gone from your system.  It is recommended the you reduce Topamax by 25 – 50 mg per week until you reduce down to nothing.

Knowing this information shows that you are taking responsibility for your own welfare, that you are not being haste, and that you understand this is not an overnight process.