Archive for October, 2010

October 26, 2010

Indecency with a child?

Soon after Bobby and I got married, my sister (a brave little soul) filed charges against my Dad.  I will never forget being called into the DA’s office in Montgomery County.  I sat across a desk of a man I had never met as he questioned me about my Dad.  Intimate questions.  I bit my nails until they bled.  I thought my heart would stop right then and right there.  Everything that I had been through was being exposed by a stranger.

I will have to say he was very nice.  But still, it was like a dream.  Well, more like a nightmare.  Isn’t it strange that after everything I had been through this was a nightmare?  You would think I would be so relieved.  But instead I was afraid.  Afraid of no longer having a Dad.  Afraid of no longer having a brother and a sister.  All I heard was “Your brother and  sister will go into the custody of the state.”  “Your Dad will probably go to jail.”  No sister, no brother, no Dad… and certainly no Mom (she was already dead).

Despite those words I told the truth.  I had to.  I had to pick… him or my sweet little sister.  How could I choose him over her?  I couldn’t, but I can tell you now for a moment I had to consider it.  But it took me less than a second.  I choose her!  Not only because she was telling the truth but she is my sister!

I asked him “Where did she find the courage to tell?”  “And I am so glad someone finally believed it!”  When he asked me what I meant, I told him I had told.  I told when my Mom died and no one did anything!  No one cared enough about us to do shit! <- my exact words.

He said he was sorry that had happened but now someone was going to do shit! <- his exact words!

My Dad had a good attorney, Nelda Luce, and plead guilty to one count of indecency with a child in order to avoid a trial and possible jail time.

He received ten years probation.  He was never required to register as a sex offender.  And of that ten years he did about 6.

October 24, 2010

Sex appeal as a weapon! 101

What you carry into your adulthood from being molested and from a chaotic childhood is incredible.

The years I was married to Bobby I used his insecurity against him.  I knew I could enrage him just by attracting attention.  And in return I created chaos.  A lot of chaos.  He would feel bad and turn to his comfort zone.  Alcohol.  He would act stupid.  I would now have something to use against him in order to reduce my guilt.  Then we would have the honey moon period.

It was circular!  Over and over again.  And people were caught up in that hurricane.  My son, my sister, Bobby’s family…

Eventually it reached a point where he and I either resolved our issues, killed each other, or walked away.

Oh trust me I tried to fix it internally.  I gained a ton of weight to not only create a barrier between me and the attention of other men but to help Bobby feel more secure.  It was a fail.  I just felt worse about myself and in return wanted Bobby to feel even worse about himself.  I blamed him for my misery.  And I was miserable!

Poor Bobby, he had no idea.  I did not carry a sign that said “I was molested and abused as a child, I am really screwed up so if you have a relationship with me it is going to be crazy!”

For me,  sex = love.  And in my relationship with Bobby I used that equation to get revenge for my low self-esteem.  I now realize I expected Bobby to fix me.  I truly believed if he loved me enough it would.  Now I know, the only person that can love me enough to fix me IS ME!

October 19, 2010

For those who loved me then

After posting my last blog I started thinking about those who did love me then.  Edith and Peggy (two of my Mom’s best friends), Betty and Ray.  These are all of the adults in my life when I was 16 that I could have went to and said “Hey, I have no where to live.”  and they would have taken me in and taken care of me. 

So why didn’t I?  As I mentioned in many of my blogs I was taught to keep secrets.  Especially those that were shameful.  To lie when necessary! 

This behavior has had such a negative impact on my life!  This is part of the reason I started this blog, no more secrets. 

Even my husband is finding out things about my life he may not have known before through this blog.  He and I have discussed my blog and now my childhood many times.  Some he did know but some I never told him!

There comes a time when you either realize how much damage is done by secrets and lies (either on purpose or by omission) or you end up alone.  Either by feeling the need to keep your secrets or by people getting tired of being hurt by your secrets and lies and turning their back on you! 

It is time to heal!  No more secrets, no more lies.

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October 17, 2010

Anywhere I can lay down my head!

From the age of sixteen until seventeen I was homeless.  No one knew!  For almost a year I slept anywhere I could find a place to sleep.  I spent nights with Tammy, Silvia, on Jay ‘s floor, at Micheal L’s, in my car.  At an abandoned house!  I was all over the place! Don’t get me wrong, that year was also a lot of fun.  But the downside was I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be taken care of and I was endlessly searching for that.  I did not realize it at the time but now I realize that at 16 or 17 yrs old I was really still a little girl.

I had a tendency to cling to people for obvious reason.  And it did the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish.  It ran them off!  And fast!  And when I say people, I mean guys!  I do not blame them a bit because the truth was their fears were founded.  I WAS looking for something more than a casual relationship.  I wanted someone to love me.  Anyone basically!  I was alone in a world where I was surrounded by humans.  And then I met Bobby!

People asked me how did you end up with Bobby.  It is so simple.  I needed him and he needed me.  That was all there was to it.  When people ask me what happened, well, that is simple as well.  One day I no longer needed him and he no longer needed me.  I loved Bobby with every cell in my body.  I still love Bobby.  I always will.  How can I not?  He saved me.  He saved me from a life of hell.  Now the truth be known we created a new one.  But at least this one had a roof!

My life before Bobby was chaos.  My life with Bobby was chaos.  My life after Bobby was chaos.  There comes a moment when you have to ask yourself, I am the reason for this chaos?  And the answer is yes.  I created an environment I could feel comfortable in.  Chaos was my norm.  And as much as I hated it I recreated it over and over.  I did things that were unconscionable.  Now, looking back, it breaks my heart to know how horrific some of my actions were.

Not only did it affect me and Bobby, but it affected my sister who had come to live with Bobby and I.  It affected my son who I love more than life itself!

Honestly, I knew no other way to live.  It is no excuse, just a fact!  I was just recreating my childhood!

October 14, 2010

My second time… 1985!

Just to not be redundant you can read about it here and about the third time I told someone my father was a child molester!

My sister and I moved to Arkansas for a little while after my Mom died.  And I was cold, weird cold.  I did not even cry at her funeral.  To be honest I was relieved I think.  I do not feel guilty about it either.  It was how I felt and I had good reason.  I was sad for my sister and brother.  They were still so young and needed a Mom.  I was especially sad for my sister because she saw my Mom die and she was the closest to our Mom.  But my sister was safe (or so I thought).

I did not live in Arkansas long.  Long enough to have sex for the second time.  Robert S.  I waited 3 years before venturing down that road again!  Part of it was I was sixteen!  And part of it was because I was hurting and I wanted to be loved.   And to be honest I felt loved and actually better.  Robert to this day is such a nice guy.  Not normal “mean guy”  for his age at the time.  He was so sweet. I think I loved him a little.  But my love was warped.  And was for many years to come!

I think this is when the sex = love thing began for me.  I used to believe every girl felt this way.  But now I think girls who are abused feel this way.

Sex = Love.  Withhold sex = withhold love!

And so it began, years of searching for love.  Years of not understanding how a guy could have sex with you and not love you. Years of weight problems, depression, heartache, suicidal feeling, worthlessness.

October 13, 2010

My Dad hits on friends and getting yelled at by a preacher during church!

At Conroe High School I found new friends and one became a better friend than most of the others.  Cassie was a doll!  I loved hanging out with her and we spent a lot of time together.  I am not sure why, but one weekend she and I ended up at my Dads.  The next weekend I was spending at her house.  And on Sundays her family went to church so I would go with.  I was 14 or 15 yrs old so by this time I knew better than to discuss my Dads beliefs or lack of with anyone.  So no big deal!

However, just as she and I were walking into church she told me that my Dad had tried to “make a move” on her.  I was devastated.  As we walked into church I began to cry.  And as church began I was sobbing.  The preacher stopped his sermon and yelled at me for making so much noise.  I will never forget it.  I ran out and into the bathroom where I stayed for the rest of the service.  Finally, Cassie came and got me.  I had her Mom take me home.  I don’t think Cassie and I talked much ever again.

I realized, at that moment, the numbers could be countless as to how many girls (my friends) my Dad had either molested or attempted to molest.  I was devastated but even more embarrassed!

Soon after I left Conroe High School and went back to Willis, where I stayed with Angie, Benita and Ray (my neighbors growing up).  My reasons for leaving my Mom and moving in with a friend and her Dad had little to do with this incident actually.  My Mom’s drinking was out of control and I just could not take it any more.  Obviously I would never go back and live with my Dad.  Ironically, I lived just two houses down from him at Ray’s but never saw him.  Soon my mother would get a job at TDC as a nurse at the Ellis II unit and leave Conroe herself.   And soon, once again, my life would change dramatically!

October 10, 2010

13 to 16… hmmm

My family life was a blur!

During these years my parents divorced and remarried each other.  But I just stayed gone most of the time.  My Dad pretended like I did not exist.  My Mom was so drunk most of the time, I am not sure she knew I existed.  My Mom also started needing more attention from everyone.  She would disappear for days and when she would show back up she would have the wildest of stories to tell.  I never believed them, I knew she had just been with some guy for several days.

Although my family life was a haze, my personal life was not.

During these years I craved attention from boys.  In part I am sure it was just my age.  But my actions had more to do with not knowing or understanding boundaries.  My two examples of proper behavior taught me the exact opposite.  And neither cared if I was ever at home except to take care of my brother and sister on school days. So I stayed gone.

There were a lot of guys that I craved attention from and to be honest I think I craved it from every boy or man I met.  But the one who had the greatest impact on my life at that time was a guy named Bobby B.  He was not a “nice” guy.  More normal for his age I am sure.  But I was attracted to him and wanted him to like me.  I also wanted to be accepted by the group.  I would go and spend almost every weekend and holiday with a girl from school, Rhonda.  Her older brother, Clint, was friends with Bobby B.  Rhonda’s Mom was a single Mom who worked full-time.  So we had the house to ourselves most of the time.   Oh I as you have already read, if an opportunity presents itself I take it!  Bobby and I did everything but have sex.  (I wonder if anyone else finds it strange that I would not have sex, now, thinking back I find it odd.  I cannot for the life of me figure out what stopped me.  Very strange. ) Anyway, I felt yucky most of the time about it.  I started gaining weight.  Eventually Bobby wanted more, I said no and he proceeded to ruin my reputation.   Word spread fast in the little town of Willis, TX.  And I suddenly went from one of the more popular students to someone who wanted to crawl into a hole.  I started getting teased at school.  My 9th grade year was awful.  I do not blame him, I had no self-esteem.  None.  I felt worthless. And people respond to how you carry yourself.  I was such an easy target.  And as the years went by I realized I kept the victim stamp on my forehead for years!  This was the first time wished I could die.  Oh how I wanted to die, but I had to keep fighting for my brother and sister, because if I was gone there would have been no one there to protect them.

Despite  gaining weight and my new-found bad reputation I tried out for drill team…. and made it.  Surviver!  Although I was 30 lbs overweight and would probably never get to perform, I made it. But over that summer I lost almost all 30 lbs.  And when school started my sophomore year I walked into that school like I owned that bad reputation!  I will never forget this very good looking older guy, Damon, walking up to me and asking me out!  And I said YES!  1st day of school!  Things were looking up.  (Damon will show up again in my adult years, and a side note: Damon passed away in a car accident several years ago, he is certainly missed!)

That year I did get to perform 3 times.  Then, while practicing for the 4th game my Mom showed up to pick me up.  She was drunk and her car was wrecked.  She was yelling my name and everyone could hear her.  I was so embarrassed I quit drill team.  Not long after I moved to Conroe with my Mom because she had decided to leave my Dad again.

Conroe High School was actually a much needed change.  But what came next I could have never guessed.  I could not have known how much my life was soon to change!

October 7, 2010

Survival and my first time (yes they go together)

Survival!  All three of us have it.  Me, my brother and my sister.  I am not sure exactly where it comes from but it is in our DNA.  I am pretty sure it comes from my Nanny’s side of the family.  My Nanny lived to be 96, her Dad about the same and her Mom into her late 80’s.

We take cues from our environment and find our way to safety.  Sometimes by whatever means necessary.

So when my Dad started becoming more aggressive, it no longer mattered if I was awake, he gave clues to his next move.  I read them and made necessary adjustments.

I was thirteen when my Dad asked me if I had ever had sex.  I said no, which was true.  I could see it in his eyes… it mattered but not like it would matter to a normal father.  It mattered because he was thinking ahead.

About two weeks later I told my Dad and my Mom I was no longer a virgin.  It was the truth and he knew it…. he never touched me again!

I could not bear the thought of that man taking my virginity. I was a survivor and I was afraid that was more than I could bear.

So one weekend it happened, I spent the weekend with a friend, Raquel, and she and I snuck out.  I can not for the life of me remember who she was dating but he was friends with a guy named James.  He showed interest and the rest is history.  I had opportunity and motive.  I must note James had no idea I was only 13.  And no idea it was about survival… that I picked him!  He was kind and gentle.  Nothing like my Dad.  Unlike most girl’s first, I do not think I ever really loved James.  But I cared for him very much and to this day appreciate how sweet he was that night.  He and I remained close for years after.

It was years before I had sex again.  I was promiscuous like many girls that are molested.  Looking for acceptance the only way I knew how to.  But never went “all the way” again for a very long time.

The next several years my life changed dramatically.  And the chaos that ensued was awful.  The chapter of my life where I was afraid to sleep at night closed.  A new chapter where I walked around in a haze, most of it seems like a dream, began.  From 13 to 16 I no longer fit in with my family.  I was like a puzzle piece that just did not fit.

October 6, 2010

The legacy, the years after the molesting stopped!

Now that you know more about my childhood, which I felt was important to know so you can understand more about the years that followed,  I will talk in-depth about why I believe my Dad stopped molesting me.  I will also discuss the years and years of insanity I created to feel normal.  A life of actions and reactions.  And later I will discuss how I stopped reacting and how I started making choices that, now I realize, saved my life!

October 5, 2010

My two Dads

So as if my family was not dysfunctional enough….

When I was about 10 (damn, that was a hell of a year!) my Mom developed a relationship with my Dad’s friend, Thomas Wayne Gurley.  They became lovers and my Dad found out.  But instead of getting mad or filing for a divorce like normal people, my Dad asked him to move in.  Yep, that’s right, MOVE IN!  I really am not sure but if memory serves me correctly my Dad worked the midnight shift and Wayne would sleep with my Mom while my Dad was at work.  If my Dad was off work, Wayne (as we called him) would sleep on the couch.

This arrangement, for obvious reasons, did not last long before all hell broke loose.   We moved out, leaving Dad, but before long we were back at home – less Wayne Gurley.  Mom carried on a relationship with Wayne for years.  Right up until before she died.  She left Dad 3 or 4 times over the next several years to be with Wayne.

And of course with the addition of Wayne in our lives -more secrets.  More lies.  More More More… insanity!  Oh the stories I could tell.  But that will have to wait for another day.

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