Survival and my first time (yes they go together)

Survival!  All three of us have it.  Me, my brother and my sister.  I am not sure exactly where it comes from but it is in our DNA.  I am pretty sure it comes from my Nanny’s side of the family.  My Nanny lived to be 96, her Dad about the same and her Mom into her late 80’s.

We take cues from our environment and find our way to safety.  Sometimes by whatever means necessary.

So when my Dad started becoming more aggressive, it no longer mattered if I was awake, he gave clues to his next move.  I read them and made necessary adjustments.

I was thirteen when my Dad asked me if I had ever had sex.  I said no, which was true.  I could see it in his eyes… it mattered but not like it would matter to a normal father.  It mattered because he was thinking ahead.

About two weeks later I told my Dad and my Mom I was no longer a virgin.  It was the truth and he knew it…. he never touched me again!

I could not bear the thought of that man taking my virginity. I was a survivor and I was afraid that was more than I could bear.

So one weekend it happened, I spent the weekend with a friend, Raquel, and she and I snuck out.  I can not for the life of me remember who she was dating but he was friends with a guy named James.  He showed interest and the rest is history.  I had opportunity and motive.  I must note James had no idea I was only 13.  And no idea it was about survival… that I picked him!  He was kind and gentle.  Nothing like my Dad.  Unlike most girl’s first, I do not think I ever really loved James.  But I cared for him very much and to this day appreciate how sweet he was that night.  He and I remained close for years after.

It was years before I had sex again.  I was promiscuous like many girls that are molested.  Looking for acceptance the only way I knew how to.  But never went “all the way” again for a very long time.

The next several years my life changed dramatically.  And the chaos that ensued was awful.  The chapter of my life where I was afraid to sleep at night closed.  A new chapter where I walked around in a haze, most of it seems like a dream, began.  From 13 to 16 I no longer fit in with my family.  I was like a puzzle piece that just did not fit.

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