13 to 16… hmmm

My family life was a blur!

During these years my parents divorced and remarried each other.  But I just stayed gone most of the time.  My Dad pretended like I did not exist.  My Mom was so drunk most of the time, I am not sure she knew I existed.  My Mom also started needing more attention from everyone.  She would disappear for days and when she would show back up she would have the wildest of stories to tell.  I never believed them, I knew she had just been with some guy for several days.

Although my family life was a haze, my personal life was not.

During these years I craved attention from boys.  In part I am sure it was just my age.  But my actions had more to do with not knowing or understanding boundaries.  My two examples of proper behavior taught me the exact opposite.  And neither cared if I was ever at home except to take care of my brother and sister on school days. So I stayed gone.

There were a lot of guys that I craved attention from and to be honest I think I craved it from every boy or man I met.  But the one who had the greatest impact on my life at that time was a guy named Bobby B.  He was not a “nice” guy.  More normal for his age I am sure.  But I was attracted to him and wanted him to like me.  I also wanted to be accepted by the group.  I would go and spend almost every weekend and holiday with a girl from school, Rhonda.  Her older brother, Clint, was friends with Bobby B.  Rhonda’s Mom was a single Mom who worked full-time.  So we had the house to ourselves most of the time.   Oh I as you have already read, if an opportunity presents itself I take it!  Bobby and I did everything but have sex.  (I wonder if anyone else finds it strange that I would not have sex, now, thinking back I find it odd.  I cannot for the life of me figure out what stopped me.  Very strange. ) Anyway, I felt yucky most of the time about it.  I started gaining weight.  Eventually Bobby wanted more, I said no and he proceeded to ruin my reputation.   Word spread fast in the little town of Willis, TX.  And I suddenly went from one of the more popular students to someone who wanted to crawl into a hole.  I started getting teased at school.  My 9th grade year was awful.  I do not blame him, I had no self-esteem.  None.  I felt worthless. And people respond to how you carry yourself.  I was such an easy target.  And as the years went by I realized I kept the victim stamp on my forehead for years!  This was the first time wished I could die.  Oh how I wanted to die, but I had to keep fighting for my brother and sister, because if I was gone there would have been no one there to protect them.

Despite  gaining weight and my new-found bad reputation I tried out for drill team…. and made it.  Surviver!  Although I was 30 lbs overweight and would probably never get to perform, I made it. But over that summer I lost almost all 30 lbs.  And when school started my sophomore year I walked into that school like I owned that bad reputation!  I will never forget this very good looking older guy, Damon, walking up to me and asking me out!  And I said YES!  1st day of school!  Things were looking up.  (Damon will show up again in my adult years, and a side note: Damon passed away in a car accident several years ago, he is certainly missed!)

That year I did get to perform 3 times.  Then, while practicing for the 4th game my Mom showed up to pick me up.  She was drunk and her car was wrecked.  She was yelling my name and everyone could hear her.  I was so embarrassed I quit drill team.  Not long after I moved to Conroe with my Mom because she had decided to leave my Dad again.

Conroe High School was actually a much needed change.  But what came next I could have never guessed.  I could not have known how much my life was soon to change!

2 Comments to “13 to 16… hmmm”

  1. How many times did you want to die? Did you ever try to kill yourself? I did. More than once. I will never know where you are getting the strength from to write this blog. Thank you for doing it.

    • I am so sorry you are so sad. Yes I have wanted to die many times. Although I have not felt that way in a very long time. Hang it there, work your butt off on being as happy as you can be, get a good therapist, and know you are not alone!!

      HUGS, V

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