Anywhere I can lay down my head!

From the age of sixteen until seventeen I was homeless.  No one knew!  For almost a year I slept anywhere I could find a place to sleep.  I spent nights with Tammy, Silvia, on Jay ‘s floor, at Micheal L’s, in my car.  At an abandoned house!  I was all over the place! Don’t get me wrong, that year was also a lot of fun.  But the downside was I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be taken care of and I was endlessly searching for that.  I did not realize it at the time but now I realize that at 16 or 17 yrs old I was really still a little girl.

I had a tendency to cling to people for obvious reason.  And it did the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish.  It ran them off!  And fast!  And when I say people, I mean guys!  I do not blame them a bit because the truth was their fears were founded.  I WAS looking for something more than a casual relationship.  I wanted someone to love me.  Anyone basically!  I was alone in a world where I was surrounded by humans.  And then I met Bobby!

People asked me how did you end up with Bobby.  It is so simple.  I needed him and he needed me.  That was all there was to it.  When people ask me what happened, well, that is simple as well.  One day I no longer needed him and he no longer needed me.  I loved Bobby with every cell in my body.  I still love Bobby.  I always will.  How can I not?  He saved me.  He saved me from a life of hell.  Now the truth be known we created a new one.  But at least this one had a roof!

My life before Bobby was chaos.  My life with Bobby was chaos.  My life after Bobby was chaos.  There comes a moment when you have to ask yourself, I am the reason for this chaos?  And the answer is yes.  I created an environment I could feel comfortable in.  Chaos was my norm.  And as much as I hated it I recreated it over and over.  I did things that were unconscionable.  Now, looking back, it breaks my heart to know how horrific some of my actions were.

Not only did it affect me and Bobby, but it affected my sister who had come to live with Bobby and I.  It affected my son who I love more than life itself!

Honestly, I knew no other way to live.  It is no excuse, just a fact!  I was just recreating my childhood!

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