Guilty!

To be fair to Bobby, is was not that I was just some innocent woman who left her husband and then was trying desperately to make things work.

I was not innocent  To the contrary I was guilty! And this guilt added to the insanity that followed me for years!  It was a part of why I was broken! ( https://nomorevictim.wordpress.com/2010/11/01/broken/ )

When I left Bobby I was overweight, had no self esteem and felt very unlovable.  “I” felt those things.  No other person made me feel that way.  I made me feel that way.

However, I got a job at TDC on my own.  I lost enough weight to even get the job (back then they had a weight limit).  So a little self esteem crept in.

When a guy from work gave me some attention (and he was HOT!) I ate it up.  (And yes, I was married.) Wade was so HOT!  And so sweet.  And he charmed the pants right off of me!  OK – well, that is a little crude but… true!

What I did not realize at the time, but certainly realize now is people are like puzzle pieces ever changing.  And we find other pieces that fit.  They make us feel whole, complete.  The saying opposites attract, well it is not always opposite but what we do attract is what fits into the patterns or mold that is our life.  Oh and don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it is what we need.  But maybe what it is –  is what we need to feel normal.  And remember my normal was not good.

Wade turned out to be a cheater (OK so I am married and calling him a cheater, WOW), a big time drinker (but a sweet one), and not really available (neither was I).  But he made me feel normal, special, lovable, and attractive!

And when I broke he was actually a part of my life.  But I never loved him.  I loved having sex with him, fishing with him, playing pool with him, spending time with him, etc.  But I loved Bobby!

Now that I think back I see the insanity.  But then it looked “normal” to me.

People will say, wow, did you hear what so and so did?  And I say, it is what they know.  Who are you to judge?  It is what I knew.  And no one can judge me.  Not even me.  I was doing the best I could with what I was made of.  And until the day that someone came along to show me something different and how it might work if I just gave it a chance, I did the best I could!

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