Kevin

When I was released to go back to work I asked for a transfer.  I was transferred to the Diagnostic Unit in Huntsville.   I had worked there about 6 months when Kevin asked me on a date.  The rest, well, it certainly is history!

Kevin was my boss, the Captain at the Diagnostic Unit.

He and I started dating.  However, because he was my boss, we could never be seen together. We would travel for our dates, sometimes to Conroe and even to Humble.   But I was smitten and could have cared less if I was a secret or not.

Steve could not stand it.  But I wanted to believe it was because he was just looking out for me.  He would say awful things and became verbally abusive.  So I just lied.  I told him I was no longer seeing Kevin just to make peace.  And it worked.  I was a secret and so was Kevin.  It was a warped situation.  I am still bewildered by this time in my life.  I lied to a man because I told myself it was to keep his friendship.  The truth, I needed Steve, his was the closest thing to stable I had.  He kept me grounded, even if it was by verbal abuse or manipulation.  And I loved his boys.  Bobby and Mikey were like my own.

It did not matter long anyway, Kevin and I would be found out be the Assist Warden.  I was transferred back to Eastham.  And he and I stopped seeing each other.  For awhile I became this weird crazy woman, someone I hardly recognized.  I knew where he would be on certain nights and go there.  I would drive by his house.  I would drive to  the Unit he worked at.  I lived for the moment I could just see him.  I was barely sleeping and when I was not at work or stalking Kevin, I was cleaning my house.  I cleaned and cleaned and re-cleaned.  I had enough cleaning supplies to last a year! Soon I no longer recognized the human I was becoming.

To add to my insanity, Kevin would start missing me and call.  He and I would spend the night talking on the phone.  I obviously missed him. And would eat up those moments.  We would sneak away for dinner occasionally but I would feel that creepy girl inside of me. I was obsessed.   I would go home and clean.  Clean and clean and clean!  It was the only way I could distract my mind.  My mind was racing and I had no idea why!

I am not sure at what moment it happened.  But at some point I could see me, see someone I no longer liked.  And I walked away. He was the only man I ever loved so much I just walked away.  I knew I was toxic.  I still blamed my past for my insanity but at least I was well aware of it.  I knew what he knew of me was not real.  It was me on Prozac.  It was me – manic.   It was me taped together –  any day that tape could break, rip, or just fall to pieces.  I could not bear him seeing that girl.  She was still in there just buried under medication.

Broken – just taped together.  Broken – has sharp edges and can be dangerous!  Broken and flying in many different directions – can be deadly!

Broken = ME (then)!

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