Spend it like you have it!

From the day I walked away from my obsession with Kevin until mid 1995 I spent money, partied every weekend Jake was at his Dads and when it wasn’t Bobby’s weekend I had a sitter lined up, I worked, and cleaned – I rarely slept.  I had credit cards and they weren’t mine!  They were Steve’s and a guy I was seeing occasionally (OK so I can’t remember his name).  And I maxed them out.  Oh don’t think for a minute I did not spend my money, I wrote checks on money that had not been deposited in my account… I seemed to be always cleaning up hot checks.  It was a horrid cycle.  I was out of control.  My insanity was making my choices… and it was my pleasure to let it.

Manic!

It was so easy… how could any of it be my fault?  My Dad molested me, both the men I ever loved left me, My Mom died, my childhood was awful, my life sucked.  To add to it – I suffered from depression, I was medicated.  I had proof of just how screwed up I was… so it wasn’t my fault.  Right?

And that is exactly how I saw my life.  And I lived it accordingly.  I regret little, but that time of my life I have regrets.  I can’t fix it – but I have forgiven myself.  I made terrible choices.  And excused them away.

And then I met Mike….

 

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One Comment to “Spend it like you have it!”

  1. I dying to read the next blog.

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