Archive for December, 2010

December 26, 2010

Happy Birthday

I have pondered all day on what to get my Dad for his birthday.  He would have been 68 yrs old today if he had not shot himself in July. Of course he might have been dead anyway from cancer, who’s to know?

My Nanny (his Mom) never forgave me for accusing my Dad of molesting me.  And asked me often to recant my statement so my Dad’s criminal record could be cleared.  I always said the same thing “I am so sorry Nanny, but it is just not something I can do.”  She would follow with “It really hurts me.”  And I would say “I know it does Nanny and I hate that it does, but there are  some things you just can’t undo.” She would drop it and so would I.  Of all the people to ever be apart of my life I loved her the most.  I never asked her to choose between her son and myself.  I loved her to much!  And I am sure my Dad could never tell her the truth because he loved her just as much.

So my gift is forgiveness.

Dad,

For your birthday I have decided to give you something big! My forgiveness, not for molesting me (I did that years ago), but for never letting Nanny know the truth.

Hell of a spot to be in I am sure.  Tell her the truth and suffer her enormous disappointed or deal with the guilt of knowing how much you had hurt your daughter and continued to do by not owning the truth.  Or maybe you felt no guilt at all, I will never know.

So Dad, Happy Birthday!  I hope your soul or energy or whatever it is that may be left behind is at peace. Since you and Nanny both are dead I am not sure what it is worth, but I forgive you.

I will always wish that you had told her the truth, just like I will always wish you had been a different, better, Dad.  But you didn’t and you weren’t.  So here we are or at least here I am.

 

December 22, 2010

A year to forget

2002 brought with it a string of events.  But even before the start of the new year I had started seeing a new psychiatrist.  And of course he changed my meds.  Wellbutrin was his drug of choice. And a list of other anti-anxiety meds and mood stabilizers.  The side effect… I was not sleeping.  Considering pre-1995, the prozac years, the side effect of no sleep could get ugly and it did.

I was also promoted in 2001 and making more money then I had ever made in my life, I thought things were looking up.

My new boss, it turned out, was an abusive pig!  And so began the new year.. 2002.

Each day became a battle.  One I eventually lost.

In 2002 my Grandmother (Nanny) broke  her hip.  I spent hours with her at the hospital.  Everyone thought that would be it.  She and I knew better.  I stayed by her side and helped her along the way, only I was losing myself along the way.  I did not see it.  Others noticed something was wrong.  I lost almost 65 lbs in several months.  I no longer slept.

Dealing with my bosses advances and my Nanny’s injury were taking their toll.  Working 70+ hours a week only added to my insanity.

Then my Dad called and said he needed to talk to me…

Meet me for lunch, he said, today!  And like a good little girl…. I dropped everything and did!

 

December 20, 2010

Good News!!!

They have arrested the author of “The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover’s Code of Conduct,” Philip Ray Greaves II!

December 10, 2010

Labels

Mike and I started talking… a lot.

I wanted him to understand why I was so screwed up. Why I did the things I did. But how can you explain something to someone you do not understand yourself?

I wanted my relationship to work with Mike and I wanted to be a good Mom.  So I sought help.

I found a new psychiatrist and a new therapist.

The psychiatrist performed tons of test.  Word associations, ink blot, history evaluations, etc… all which added up to…

LABELS!  Bi-polar, several personality disorders, severe depressant… and more

And a laundry list of psychotropic meds.

Therapy turned out to be nothing more than blaming all of my issues on my parents.  True they had a great influence on who I was… but really???

Here are the three questions we worked on for months…

1) How do you feel about your Moms death? [Hmmm, let me think about that…. bad?]

2) How do you feel about your Dad molesting you? [Hmmm, I have no idea?]

3) And my all time favorite…. How would your life be different if all of this had not happened to you? [REALLY?]

Mike and I continued to work on our relationship and he eventually moved back in.

I became a zombie again.  No emotion.. I never cried, I rarely smiled.  I was just nothing.  The meds turned me into to nothing.  But nothing was better than the alternative…. CRAZY!

For about four years I did OK.  I held down a job and eventually found an even better job.  Mike and I rarely fought.  He was an awesome step-dad.  Jake was doing good. Mike and I got married in 2001.  I was HUGE! I weighed over 200 lbs on my wedding day! In part because of the meds.  In part because the meds don’t just magically make you love you!

But the truth is, I felt nothing.  I knew I loved my son, but I could no longer feel it.  I knew I loved Mike, but I could no longer feel it either.  I believed it was something I could live with.  And I did live with it… until 2002!

 

 

 

 

December 7, 2010

Not even a day

The same day I had  admitted myself into the hospital my ex-father in law passed away.  Roy and I had been very close since Bobby and I had started dating. He and I stayed close even after our divorce. He was an awesome Dad and I was very lucky to have him in my life!  He had been sick for about a year.  I would go and stay at Barbara and Roy’s often while Barbara was working on the weekends.  He and I would watch Gunsmoke or Have Gun Will Travel for hours.  I would bring Jake with me if he was not with Bobby.  Roy adored his grandson.  He was Papa!  And up until a couple of years ago the only one Jake ever had.

The day I was admitted, I called Bobby to check on Jake and he told me the news.  He was at the hospital and knew Roy would go any minute.  I could not ask him to come and get me.  But I was desperate to get there!  Bobby wanted me there too.  I told him I would find a way.

So I called Mike.

Even though he was sick with a very bad cold, we had broken up and it was my ex- father in law, Mike came and got me.  He drove all the way to Houston and then all the way to Baytown.  We barely spoke a word.  I told him thank you and got out of the car.  I still cannot believe I was such a bitch!  That is not true actually, I can believe it.  I was broken, no tape to hold me together, and flying broken pieces are dangerous!

About 20 minutes after I sat down on the bed with Roy and told him I was there and it was OK for him to go… he took a deep breath and then never took another one again.

I gave his eulogy.  It was by far the greatest honor I have ever had!

Still broken (and probably even more so)… after I finally made it back home days later, I called Mike!

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