Happy Birthday

I have pondered all day on what to get my Dad for his birthday.  He would have been 68 yrs old today if he had not shot himself in July. Of course he might have been dead anyway from cancer, who’s to know?

My Nanny (his Mom) never forgave me for accusing my Dad of molesting me.  And asked me often to recant my statement so my Dad’s criminal record could be cleared.  I always said the same thing “I am so sorry Nanny, but it is just not something I can do.”  She would follow with “It really hurts me.”  And I would say “I know it does Nanny and I hate that it does, but there are  some things you just can’t undo.” She would drop it and so would I.  Of all the people to ever be apart of my life I loved her the most.  I never asked her to choose between her son and myself.  I loved her to much!  And I am sure my Dad could never tell her the truth because he loved her just as much.

So my gift is forgiveness.

Dad,

For your birthday I have decided to give you something big! My forgiveness, not for molesting me (I did that years ago), but for never letting Nanny know the truth.

Hell of a spot to be in I am sure.  Tell her the truth and suffer her enormous disappointed or deal with the guilt of knowing how much you had hurt your daughter and continued to do by not owning the truth.  Or maybe you felt no guilt at all, I will never know.

So Dad, Happy Birthday!  I hope your soul or energy or whatever it is that may be left behind is at peace. Since you and Nanny both are dead I am not sure what it is worth, but I forgive you.

I will always wish that you had told her the truth, just like I will always wish you had been a different, better, Dad.  But you didn’t and you weren’t.  So here we are or at least here I am.

 

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