Part 2 Hopeless

I believe it is human nature to want immediate results.  I wanted to be normal, healed or even if not healed – just to be OK!  But you cannot heal a lifetime of hurt in a year.  I realize that now.  But at the time the thought of one more day just made me feel hopeless.

Remember normal?  A person’s normal is not necessarily a good thing, especially when your normal is insanity.  But what happens when the insanity starts to change, to become sane?  Nothing feels normal.  And until you become comfortable with sanity your life feels strange.  The hard part is recognizing sanity when you have never seen it.

Mike and I were fighting constantly.  Mike had become more dysfunctional by the day.   And Jake had started having behavior problems.  I felt like a failure. The two most important people in my life seemed to be fighting me.  Almost like they did not want me to get better.   Or at least that is how I felt.

The truth was they both were reacting.  Reacting to the changes in their lives.  Reacting to the changes in my life.

It seemed just as I started making progress, getting off of my meds and leaving the house, all hell was breaking loose inside my home.  The one place I had felt completely safe.

I was so sad.  I had such high hopes.  I really thought if I worked hard to get better everything would be OK.  We all would be OK.  We were all in individual therapy.  We were all doing the right thing to get on track.

But the train derailed!

So I sent Jake to school one day and asked Mike when he would be home from work.  He said about 2.  That was good, he would be home before Jake.






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