Waking Up

When I woke up in the hospital I was just mad!  Mad at my Mom and mad at my Dad!  Mad at Mike and mad at me.  I was just MAD!

But beneath all of that anger was the love I had for my son!

When Jake came to see me at the hospital he asked me with tears in his eyes, “Mom, are you dying?”  “Do you want to die?”  I did not know how to answer him.  My heart was breaking for him.  I saw myself at about his age.  I never asked my Mom if she was going to die, but I expected it all the time.

Jake is my everything.  And when I decided to die I thought I was doing him a favor.  My life was better when my Mom died and now it is better because my Dad died.  But the truth is it could have been incredible if my Mom had ever worked to be OK and if my Dad had done the same.  I was so mad at both of them for not.  And even worse I felt like I had not been worth it to either one of them to get help!

I realized when I woke up in the hospital that I did not want Jake to just be a little better off without me.  I did not want him to be mad at me and think he was not worth the work for me to be OK.  Suddenly my love for my son and looking beyond myself into his future pushed me to be so mad that I decided. . . NO MORE!

I was going to get better and be OK, not only Jake but for me!

I had finally woken up!

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2 Comments to “Waking Up”

  1. I truly understand this!!!!

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