Toxic Relationships – shocked!

A relationship that is toxic because of your actions is one of the easiest to start to heal, but one of the hardest to admit.

It is the easiest to start to heal because once you recognize what your actions are that are polluting the relationship you just have to become aware and stop doing it.

Changing a behavior is kind of like changing a bad habit.  As long as you are consistent and conscious of what you say and do, soon it becomes second nature.

My mother-in-law was overly involved in my and Mike’s life.  It drove me crazy!  It was always a point of contention between Mike and I.  I would complain, which inevitably lead to an argument between Mike and I.

As Sinead and I continued to dissect my relationships, we moved on to my mother-in-law.

As Sinead and I would discuss how to heal this toxic relationship she would ask me questions.  Questions like “So how did your mother-in-law know that happened and therefor was able to give an unwanted opinion?” or “What did you think would happen when you told your mother-in-law that?”

After several sessions of the same kinds of discussion and questions, Sinead finally asked me “What are you trying to gain by involving your mother-in-law in your relationship?”

I was shocked by her question!  Shocked!

Sinead then said, “Exactly!”

I then admitted it was me, not my mother-in-law, that was the toxic party in the relationship.

Shocked!

By involving my mother-in-law in my relationship with my husband I was creating chaos, animosity, and attempting to drive a wedge between Mike and his Mom.

Remember this from the post “Not what I needed”: “So why was Mike attracted to me?  Sometimes we attract what we need in our lives to find a means to an end. A catalysis to break away from the ties that bind us.”

As much as Mike hated the chaos of this toxic relationship I had created with his Mom, he needed it.  But it was not something I could fix, he would have to do that on his own!

So I stopped!  It was just that easy!  It was strange at first because my mother-in-law just did not understand (and you could tell). It has taken years to repair this relationship because it was toxic from day one.

Now when I want to share something with her, I take a moment before I do to make sure my motives are good. She and I had a very rocky start, but we are getting there. After years of work I can honestly say I love her and I can honestly say she loves me too!

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3 Comments to “Toxic Relationships – shocked!”

  1. It looks like you’ve learned a lot about relationships and are willing to do what it takes to make themwork, or if they don’t, to bring them to an end. That shows real strength.

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