Climbing out!

The hole I had dug for myself, in which I could hide my shame and fear, was still there and I was still in it. Depression, which has been a part of your life for almost your entire life, is not easy to leave behind. It is almost like a friend, but with friends like that you certainly do not need enemies!

Working with Sinead, I was able to start to climb out of that hole. Slowly but steadily. I finally even filled it in and planted a garden, a wonderful life, where it has once had been.

In my previous post I talked about coming up with a plan and sticking to it.

Although I was able to come up with a plan and stick to it when dealing with toxic relationships, I still was not making much progress getting out of the house. I could go to the grocery store, even out with friends but I lived in fear, stuck in my hole, of being trapped in a situation where I could not escape. I wanted total control over my environment. I felt it was the only way I could keep chaos out of my life and therefor keep depression out!

Sinead and I talked about choosing to let go of that control but with a plan. In other words, I was making a choice, I would consider the consequences, determine if I could live with the consequences and move forward (or not).

I really wanted to go to college. But the thought of signing up for a full load or even a real college class was over whelming. I was afraid to attempt anything new because I was so intensely afraid of chaos and the depression that followed.

In the past, for those who are like me you will understand this, when I thought “Oh I should do this!” I would just jump in with no forethought. I would then become overwhelmed and start beating myself up. Depression would soon set in and then my life would snowball. Back into my hole I would go! Shame! Fear!

So in 2004, with Sinead’s encouragement, I signed up for one (1!) continuing education class. I considered the consequences: 1) I could go and it could be wonderful, I would stay and learn something new. 2) I could go and it could be awful, so I would leave and not go back. 3) I could go and have a panic attack, start to cry and run out of class and never go back.

The day class was about to start I thought my heart would beat out of my chest. But I went. I had to leave class a couple of times but I made it through the first class. I went back a second time and even a third time but I eventually had a panic attack, starting crying in class, and I never went back.

But it was not a failure! It was a success. I did something outside of my safety zone. I did something with a plan.

I was climbing out!

2 Comments to “Climbing out!”

  1. Knowing who you are now, I only have one word…. WOW!
    You are such an inspiration Veronica. I hope you know and see it.

  2. To me, it seems that one of the biggest aspects of your success was acknowledging and celebrating it as that instead of the negative self-talk of telling yourself it was a failure, which is what we seem to do so much of the time. Good on you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: