Archive for ‘Chapter 3 The Insane years 18 to 30+’

February 28, 2011

Part 3 I had a plan

I had a plan.

I took a cocktail of meds that would numb the pain.  Not the pain of life but the pain of death.  I waited for awhile to make sure they were working.

I had a plan.

I took Maddie (my dog) outside and I  fell.  I did not feel it.  That was good.  It took me a moment to get back to my feet.  I left her outside so she would be safe.

I had a plan.

I went to the bathroom and found the blades.  I began to cut in the bend of my arm.  Deep.  I laid on my bed and the smoke made me cough.

I had a plan.

December 10, 2010

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Mike and I started talking… a lot.

I wanted him to understand why I was so screwed up. Why I did the things I did. But how can you explain something to someone you do not understand yourself?

I wanted my relationship to work with Mike and I wanted to be a good Mom.  So I sought help.

I found a new psychiatrist and a new therapist.

The psychiatrist performed tons of test.  Word associations, ink blot, history evaluations, etc… all which added up to…

LABELS!  Bi-polar, several personality disorders, severe depressant… and more

And a laundry list of psychotropic meds.

Therapy turned out to be nothing more than blaming all of my issues on my parents.  True they had a great influence on who I was… but really???

Here are the three questions we worked on for months…

1) How do you feel about your Moms death? [Hmmm, let me think about that…. bad?]

2) How do you feel about your Dad molesting you? [Hmmm, I have no idea?]

3) And my all time favorite…. How would your life be different if all of this had not happened to you? [REALLY?]

Mike and I continued to work on our relationship and he eventually moved back in.

I became a zombie again.  No emotion.. I never cried, I rarely smiled.  I was just nothing.  The meds turned me into to nothing.  But nothing was better than the alternative…. CRAZY!

For about four years I did OK.  I held down a job and eventually found an even better job.  Mike and I rarely fought.  He was an awesome step-dad.  Jake was doing good. Mike and I got married in 2001.  I was HUGE! I weighed over 200 lbs on my wedding day! In part because of the meds.  In part because the meds don’t just magically make you love you!

But the truth is, I felt nothing.  I knew I loved my son, but I could no longer feel it.  I knew I loved Mike, but I could no longer feel it either.  I believed it was something I could live with.  And I did live with it… until 2002!

 

 

 

 

December 7, 2010

Not even a day

The same day I had  admitted myself into the hospital my ex-father in law passed away.  Roy and I had been very close since Bobby and I had started dating. He and I stayed close even after our divorce. He was an awesome Dad and I was very lucky to have him in my life!  He had been sick for about a year.  I would go and stay at Barbara and Roy’s often while Barbara was working on the weekends.  He and I would watch Gunsmoke or Have Gun Will Travel for hours.  I would bring Jake with me if he was not with Bobby.  Roy adored his grandson.  He was Papa!  And up until a couple of years ago the only one Jake ever had.

The day I was admitted, I called Bobby to check on Jake and he told me the news.  He was at the hospital and knew Roy would go any minute.  I could not ask him to come and get me.  But I was desperate to get there!  Bobby wanted me there too.  I told him I would find a way.

So I called Mike.

Even though he was sick with a very bad cold, we had broken up and it was my ex- father in law, Mike came and got me.  He drove all the way to Houston and then all the way to Baytown.  We barely spoke a word.  I told him thank you and got out of the car.  I still cannot believe I was such a bitch!  That is not true actually, I can believe it.  I was broken, no tape to hold me together, and flying broken pieces are dangerous!

About 20 minutes after I sat down on the bed with Roy and told him I was there and it was OK for him to go… he took a deep breath and then never took another one again.

I gave his eulogy.  It was by far the greatest honor I have ever had!

Still broken (and probably even more so)… after I finally made it back home days later, I called Mike!

November 30, 2010

The Breakup

Well, I rented a house.  And Mike moved with me.

From day one he resented me.  His only options were move with me or not.  And he wanted to live with me, but everything was on my terms.  I admit it.  And it is not an easy thing to admit.  I lied and manipulated him so he would obey.  Now who was broken?  For the first time, probably ever, I had power.  I used his need to have me in his life against him.

Until… I went to far.  A friend of mine needed a place to stay (wow was that a mistake).  She was being released from rehab and was going to be homeless if I did not take her in.  I had known Misty most of my life, she was even married to my ex-husbands twin brother.  Our children were cousins.  So I let her move in – I never asked Mike or even gave him permission to have an opinion.

The Breakup…

Finally he left.  He proved me right… everyone leaves!

Today I am in awe of my mindset.  I did everything in my power to run him off.  And when he finally left I blamed him!

Misty started using again shortly after.  I had to have her removed from my house.

Soon, depression set in…. no meds, I hated me, Mike was gone… and I was afraid I would never get him back!

I called Bobby to come and get Jake and then I checked myself into a mental hospital.  Afraid of what I might do, there I knew I would be safe.  I was only there one day….

November 28, 2010

Feel sorry for me

So after months of Mike and I living together I came home from a visit from my Dads.  I was in tears and Mike could not understand.  You see, after visiting my Dad I would always be depressed.  He would say the meanest things, almost always about my weight.  “Gained a little weight there Veronica, better be careful or you will run off that new guy just like all the others,”  my Dad would say.  Or “Where did you get that shirt?” and then add, “It makes you look fat, you should probably not where that.”  Sometimes not directed towards my weight but me, “How long will this one last?  Long enough for me to meet him?”

You might be asking yourself, “Why would even go over there?”  Well, he was my Dad.  And most children want a relationship with their parent no matter how hurtful it is.  And I always thought maybe this time it will be different.  Or maybe it made me feel normal.  It was, after all, normal for me.

So when Mike asked me what was wrong…. I spilled!  Everything, my childhood, my adulthood… everything.  And he did feel sorry for me.

It was exactly what I wanted and I hated him for it!

Soon I began to pick fights with Mike.  I would create a hell of a scene any chance I got.  I tried so hard to prove to him how much he should prove me right and run me off or leave.  But he didn’t (I will cover why later).

To add to the insanity of it all, I quit taking my meds…. cold turkey!  I was a mess.

So how did I decide to fix the mess we were in!  Time to move.  A new house meant a new beginning… or so I wanted to believe!

November 23, 2010

Not what I needed

As I got to know Mike I thought to myself “He seems so normal.” Really that is what I thought.  His parents were still married TO EACH OTHER!  He had a good relationship with his siblings.  He had a job, was actually a business owner.  He was stable.  No kids, no previous marriages, and was really a nice guy.

Not what I needed to feel normal!

The first several months we dated I figured he would figure out I was certainly not what he needed and would walk away.  What on earth would keep him?  I was a single, divorced Mom that was crazy!  And as soon as he figured out… well, I assumed he would run as fast as he could in the other direction.  Which is what I needed to feel normal.

As uncomfortable as it was for me, new territory so to speak, I liked Mike a lot and I especially loved the fact that he was so different from everyone I had ever met.  Stable.

Not what I needed to feel normal!

I fell in love, not with Mike, but with what he represented.  What I thought I could be with him.  What my life would be with him.  And so importantly what my son’s life could be like with him in it. We eventually moved in together.  But it was certainly not a fairy tale.

The bad news for Mike was, he could not fix me or my life.  I could not just instantly be OK just because he was in my life.  And I grew to resent him for it.

Then all hell broke loose!

We attract into our lives that which makes us feel normal, no matter how awful normal is.  And when they are not cooperating we create it!

So why was Mike attracted to me?  Sometimes we attract what we need in our lives to find a means to an end. A catalysis to break away from the ties that bind us.

November 20, 2010

Spend it like you have it!

From the day I walked away from my obsession with Kevin until mid 1995 I spent money, partied every weekend Jake was at his Dads and when it wasn’t Bobby’s weekend I had a sitter lined up, I worked, and cleaned – I rarely slept.  I had credit cards and they weren’t mine!  They were Steve’s and a guy I was seeing occasionally (OK so I can’t remember his name).  And I maxed them out.  Oh don’t think for a minute I did not spend my money, I wrote checks on money that had not been deposited in my account… I seemed to be always cleaning up hot checks.  It was a horrid cycle.  I was out of control.  My insanity was making my choices… and it was my pleasure to let it.

Manic!

It was so easy… how could any of it be my fault?  My Dad molested me, both the men I ever loved left me, My Mom died, my childhood was awful, my life sucked.  To add to it – I suffered from depression, I was medicated.  I had proof of just how screwed up I was… so it wasn’t my fault.  Right?

And that is exactly how I saw my life.  And I lived it accordingly.  I regret little, but that time of my life I have regrets.  I can’t fix it – but I have forgiven myself.  I made terrible choices.  And excused them away.

And then I met Mike….

 

November 18, 2010

Kevin

When I was released to go back to work I asked for a transfer.  I was transferred to the Diagnostic Unit in Huntsville.   I had worked there about 6 months when Kevin asked me on a date.  The rest, well, it certainly is history!

Kevin was my boss, the Captain at the Diagnostic Unit.

He and I started dating.  However, because he was my boss, we could never be seen together. We would travel for our dates, sometimes to Conroe and even to Humble.   But I was smitten and could have cared less if I was a secret or not.

Steve could not stand it.  But I wanted to believe it was because he was just looking out for me.  He would say awful things and became verbally abusive.  So I just lied.  I told him I was no longer seeing Kevin just to make peace.  And it worked.  I was a secret and so was Kevin.  It was a warped situation.  I am still bewildered by this time in my life.  I lied to a man because I told myself it was to keep his friendship.  The truth, I needed Steve, his was the closest thing to stable I had.  He kept me grounded, even if it was by verbal abuse or manipulation.  And I loved his boys.  Bobby and Mikey were like my own.

It did not matter long anyway, Kevin and I would be found out be the Assist Warden.  I was transferred back to Eastham.  And he and I stopped seeing each other.  For awhile I became this weird crazy woman, someone I hardly recognized.  I knew where he would be on certain nights and go there.  I would drive by his house.  I would drive to  the Unit he worked at.  I lived for the moment I could just see him.  I was barely sleeping and when I was not at work or stalking Kevin, I was cleaning my house.  I cleaned and cleaned and re-cleaned.  I had enough cleaning supplies to last a year! Soon I no longer recognized the human I was becoming.

To add to my insanity, Kevin would start missing me and call.  He and I would spend the night talking on the phone.  I obviously missed him. And would eat up those moments.  We would sneak away for dinner occasionally but I would feel that creepy girl inside of me. I was obsessed.   I would go home and clean.  Clean and clean and clean!  It was the only way I could distract my mind.  My mind was racing and I had no idea why!

I am not sure at what moment it happened.  But at some point I could see me, see someone I no longer liked.  And I walked away. He was the only man I ever loved so much I just walked away.  I knew I was toxic.  I still blamed my past for my insanity but at least I was well aware of it.  I knew what he knew of me was not real.  It was me on Prozac.  It was me – manic.   It was me taped together –  any day that tape could break, rip, or just fall to pieces.  I could not bear him seeing that girl.  She was still in there just buried under medication.

Broken – just taped together.  Broken – has sharp edges and can be dangerous!  Broken and flying in many different directions – can be deadly!

Broken = ME (then)!

November 15, 2010

Steve

Not long after returning to work I met Steve in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Huntsville, TX.  Steve was the single father of two boys.  One of his sons, Bobby, was obviously not his.  He was mulatto and Steve was Caucasian and so was his ex-wife.  But to Steve he was his son.  And it was amazing to see.  His other son, Mikey, was a cute little blond angel. Steve was an awesome Dad.

Just like every other guy, after two weeks of “dating”, I lost interest. But he and I stayed friends.   Jake, Bobby and Mikey became the best of friends.  We had play dates a lot.  I would pick Bobby and Mikey up from day care and we would all go to McDonald’s or the park or to the movies.  I would see them sometimes 5 or 6 days a week.  Including Steve.  I would cook dinner for all of us.  We would watch movies with the kids.  It was so… comfortable!

I was still a serial dater… but it never seemed to bother Steve.  I thought we were just great friends!  Or maybe that is just what I wanted to believe.

About 6 or 8 months after I met Steve….  I started dating Kevin.  He hated Kevin, he said it was because of who he was, what he was and where it might lead.

Concerned friend?  Maybe.  Normal?  Maybe not.

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November 13, 2010

A couple of crazies

From 1992 until 1995 I led an interesting life.  After leaving Tammy’s and returning to work, with my son in tow, I moved so many times it was ridiculous.  It was like I was moving around in search of something.  But that something was not a thing you could just find laying on the ground.  It was a feeling, a feeling of normalcy.   A sense that I belonged somewhere.  I would rent an apartment for six months, then a house, and then move in with a friend only to end up renting another house.

I found a new psychiatrist and he changed my meds from Desipramine to Prozac and Clonazepam.   I had already lost weight from the breakdown but the medicine had a great side effect… I lost more weight!  And with the weight loss I gained a fake self-esteem. But I no longer could cry, I really could not even be sad anymore.  I could watch the saddest of movies and it would not even move me.  I had always loved to read but no more.  I had no interest.  I was like a zombie and the only time I felt anything was when I met a new guy.  But it would only last about a week or two and then I would lose interest. Another side effect of the Prozac was I would have moments, sometimes days of mania!  And oh those were fun!

Mania, an abnormally elevated mood with irritability, energy, and arousal!  Now there is a prescription for disaster! With my childhood issues still heavy in my life…

I became a serial dater.

In those 3 yrs of my life I would meet two guys who I actually could stand for longer than two weeks.  One was Steve and the other was Kevin.

We attract what we need to make us feel normal… no matter how awful normal is!

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