Posts tagged ‘Bipolar’

October 4, 2013

The tank

Would I proudly enter a restaurant, a grocery store, a doctors office attached to my tank?  Would I paint it orange and decorate it with flowers? Would I name my tank like a pet that is with me all the time?  Would I embrace my tank, knowing it is my life – my breath? Would I thank my tank for being there for me when I just needed breath? Would I buy the perfect wagon to carry my tank, maybe a little red wagon or a garden wagon painted orange to match my tank? Would I tire of my tank?  Would it be a burden to heavy to carry? Would I wish I had just fucking quit smoking years before, years before I was attached to my tank? Would I rather die than carry my tank?  Would I, one day while sitting alone listening to the breeze, light up while sitting by my tank, listen to the oxygen hiss, and inhale my very last smoke?

 

 

August 21, 2013

Not smoking and alcohol.

One of the hardest parts about quitting smoking for a lot of people is drinking alcohol.  Of course if you are on meds you should probably not be drinking alcohol period, but lets be honest people do!  I tell people, especially people I see smoking,almost everyday, sometimes several times a day, “I just quit smoking” or “It has been X number of days / weeks since I have had a cigarette.”  It is one of the ways I help myself stay constantly accountable and it helps me to not smoke!  But I also want to share my experience with anyone who might want to quit.

People often ask, “How did you quit?” Or “What made you stop?”  And most smokers say, “I wish I could quit!”

But what is surprising is the reason most people say they can’t or won’t quit is alcohol.  Yep, alcohol.  I have heard so many times, “I would quit but I have to smoke when I drink a beer.”  What I want to say is, “REALLY, if that is why you do not want to quit you have bigger issues than smoking!!!”  But I don’t.

Why?

Because I get it!  That is why I have not had a beer in three weeks, four days, 3 hours, 17 minutes and 48 seconds (and yes that is accurate).

Oddly I have found I can drink a small glass of wine, just one, and be OK.  I do not feen for a smoke with just one glass of wine.  Ironically, or I guess you can call it that, research shows one glass of wine is also good for you!English: A glass of red wine.

****UPDATE on mental health.  I am leveling out.  My brain and body are both getting used to not having nicotine.  I am sleeping a full 8, not grinding, and driving like a normal person.

 

Keep checking back!  Thanks for reading!  And for all my bipolar – smoking readers……… take care of yourself!

August 18, 2013

I did not smoke!

I did not smoke.  I locked myself in the back bedroom with my computer and I did not smoke. I went to bed early, but I woke up wanting a smoke!  But I did not smoke.  I went for a 10 mile ride in the first cool crisp morning air that hints of fall coming soon and I did not smoke.  I went to work, I did not smoke.  I am home from work, and I did not smoke.  I will continue with my day… and I will not smoke!

As much as every cell in my body was screaming for nicotine, my heart was breaking at the thought of lighting a cigarette.

My heart has been broken so many times throughout my life by almost every person I have ever loved.  My Mom, my Dad, my sister, my ex-husband… But damnit I refuse to break my own heart!

I did not smoke!

August 17, 2013

Oh shit, I forgot to title this post!

After doing a ton of research I found that if you increase the release of acetylcholine it can decrease manic symptoms but may worsen or induce depression. In other words, smoke and you will decrease your chances of a manic episode.

However, you increase your chances of depression. In the article How Nicotine Works ( http://science.howstuffworks.com/nicotine4.htm ), it shows that nicotine “increases the release of acetylcholine from the neurons, leading to heightened activity in cholinergic pathways throughout your brain. This cholinergic activity calls your body and brain to action, and this is the wake-up call that many smokers use to re-energize themselves throughout the day. Through these pathways, nicotine improves your reaction time and your ability to pay attention, making you feel like you can work better.”

So why did I (and still do) want a cigarette? I am certainly past any physical withdrawals!  Am I feeling manic?  Will I become manic?  Do I need to give all my credit cards to my husband and restrict my driving to absolutely necessary? Do I need to fear the other side of mania… depression?

ALL BECAUSE I QUIT SMOKING!!!!

Hell no!  First thing is first!  To reduce the chances of a manic episode the number one objective is sleep! I woke at 3:30 am this morning.  My first instinct was to get up and come get on my computer!  But I stayed in bed!  I dosed back off about 4:00 and woke again at 5:45 am. Then I got up, fed my dogs, and went for a bike ride. Next objective – watch my driving.  Many years ago, when I would start to become manic, I would find myself driving like a maniac.  Today, I found myself to be driving well over the speed limit.  I immediately slowed down, took some deep breaths and relaxed. Lastly – watch for grinding!  When I am becoming manic I grind my teeth!  No signs of teeth grinding yet. So the big question is will the chemistry in my brain level out? I guess we will just have to wait and see.  But I am not going to have a cigarette to stay level!  Even after ten years of no meds, no extreme mania or depression episodes.  I will not let nicotine win this war!  And let me tell you… IT IS WAR!

July 31, 2013

Days 2 through 4 of my “quit”

Days 2, 3, and 4 were all about the same.  Actually that is not 100% true.  Days 2 and 3 were the easiest so far.  Day 4, yesterday, I weighed myself and almost fell over.  Somehow I gained 3 lbs in 4 days!  So I rode my bike 10 miles last night and 5 miles this morning before work!  I am going to have to pay much closer attention to what I am eating from today forward!

Day 5 which is today, however; has been OMFG awful!  I am actually better at the moment.  But I have felt some anger well up inside of me that actually scares me.  This day is not over……… so tune in!

XOXOXO to all you bipolar smokers and ex-smokers out there.  And to all of you “I have never smoked a day in my life” humans, well wth are you reading this for?  Oh I know, let this be a warning to you… if someone you love is bipolar and a smoker who is trying to quit – duck and run!

July 29, 2013

Addiction! I am an addict!

I have been a smoker since I was 16 yrs old.

Nicotine – an addictive fast acting mild stimulant.

Oh I have tried to quit many, many times. My “quits” never last long.

My excuse to keep on smoking – I was afraid if I tried to quit it would send me into a manic spin!  Yes, that is what I have been telling myself for years!  Actually, that is what my addiction has been brainwashing me with for years!  My addiction, my nicotine monkey on my back would say, “Oh I hate smoking but I am just afraid that my fragile balance will be thrown out of whack and I have worked so hard to be `BIPOLAR NO MORE`.”

Well, screw that!  I am strong.  I am strong enough to kick that monkey off my back! I am 4 hrs from being

72 hrs into my “quit”!  And I feel fine….. I feel fine!   Quit meter

 

 

 

 

I really want to share how the first hours felt for anyone who is also wanting to quit!  But if you have any questions post them and I will answer!  Here is to the next big adventure!  Woot Woot!

 

Hugs, V

 

 

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