Posts tagged ‘Home’

July 24, 2011

After the reunion, what I always wanted to be

As I posted in this blog: I found that I had become very strong.  I could stand up for myself, I could face challenges, and I could walk away from a situation without feeling defeated.

This was a defining moment in my life. My life became clearer – sharper, and so did I!

Within a year, I decided to go to college. And soon I will be graduating with my AA and transferring to Sam Houston State to get my BA in Education! I currently have a 4.0! I am the student I always wanted to be.

I may have never asked my Dad those 8 questions, but what I did do was become the daughter I always wanted to be even though my Dad would never be the Dad I had always wanted.

I am the wife I always wanted to be. After that fateful day, I no longer leaned on my husband for emotional support. I discovered I could take care of myself. This new sense of self helped me to be the wife I always wanted to be. No jealousy, no anger, and no fear of abandonment.

Today, I am what I always wanted to be, but never imagined that I could be.


But I will admit, it takes work and dedication to be happy. Is it worth it? Hell yes it is!

March 19, 2011

Toxic Relationships

We all have them.  But cleaning them up can often be quite the chore.

What I found in my life was the most toxic relationships were the ones that were the closest to my heart.

I loved my Nanny (who I have mentioned before and who was my Dad’s Mom)!  I loved her more than just about anyone else in my life.  But she loved her son.  She loved him so much that she used my love for her to manipulate me into a relationship with my Dad.  She would call and cry and tell me how worried she was about my Dad.  She would beg me to call him.  She would would say that it was my Moms fault that my Dad had issues and that I should not hold it against him.

I would only respond, “I know Nanny.”  Or “I will call him Nanny.”  But I did not know and I would never call.  Then a week or so later the call would come again, “Honey, did you call your Dad?”  And I would lie and say “I tried but he did not answer. or Nanny, I have been so busy I have just not had a chance.”  Lies.  All lies.  I would be full of guilt and anger after every call.  But I loved her so much (and I still do even though she is gone).  This went on for literally years.  Even visits to her house would go pretty much the same way.

For a while I tried to avoid her.  After Mike moved out I disconnected the home phone and only had a cell phone.  When she would call I would let it go to voice mail.  Then I would cry listening to her messages.

Sinead and I spoke about toxic relationships and identifying them.  Then coming up with a plan to “clean” them.  Turning them into healthy relationships.

Identifying my relationship with my Nanny as a toxic relationship was hurtful, but honest.  Identifying it as one of the most toxic relationships was devastating.

I rehearsed a conversation over and over with Sinead on what to say.

Then one day I called my Nanny and told her that my relationship with my Dad was between him and I.  I told her I would call him when I was ready but not until and if she wanted to call me she could but any conversation about my Dad was off limits.  I told her as much as she hurt for him, I hurt for me.  I then told her that I loved her very much but once the conversation of my Dad was breached I would hang up the phone.

It was months before she called again.  

August 31, 2010

The second time I told

Just several weeks before my Mom died I told her what Dad had done.  They had just gotten divorced so I thought it would be OK… I was so wrong!!

That night she drank more than I had ever seen her drink.  And sometime shortly after midnight she woke my sister and I out of bed.  She demanded to know why I had seduced my Dad and if Kissy had done the same thing.  She then said we should die and went and got her pistol.  I ran with Kissy into a bedroom and baracaded the door.  I hid Kissy and I in the closet for hours and Mom yelled and screamed from outside the window and door. Finally she passed out.  When she woke I was gone… Kissy would not leave with me.

I stayed with Angie at her Dad’s (Ray) for a couple of weeks before Mom called crying and apologizing.  She begged me to come and stay with her.  She said she and I would talk and everything would be OK.  She told me she loved me and promised to not to drink.

She kept that promise for almost a week… and then she died!

Her blood alcohol level was enough to kill her by itself.  She died in a one car accident near Trinity, TX

August 29, 2010

My relationship with my Dad

Some days I hate him.  Others I love and miss him dearly.

Over the past 10 or so years, at his mother’s (my Nanny) insistence, our relationship improved.  Slowly but over the past year after his cancer came back I thought it was pretty good.  He would talk to me about his options, ask for my opinion, etc…

I now realize I was just a pawn so that he could gain attention from my Step-mother, Elly.  After putting the pieces together that was what he used me for, especially over the past year!

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