Posts tagged ‘Marriage’

May 10, 2011

Fine tuned?

Well OK, not quite.  But my marriage and my relationship with my son just started working.  It seemed like the more I recognized what I needed to do to be OK and actually did it, the more both just seemed to work. Around the beginning of 2005 Mike asked me to start working with him.  No pressure, I could leave when I wanted to and I never had to deal with customers.

It was a win-win.  I got out of the house and he got a free part – time employee.

As most of you know I had lost a ton of weight between 2001 and 2004. And even though I had started to learn how to balance my life, I still lost more weight. It would not be until 2005 that I would really start to balance not only my life, but my weight as well. 

2005 Total weight loss – about 80 lbs.

Mike and I became not only working partners, but friends.  We started working together instead of against each other.  We learned to support each other on the rough days.  We learned to celebrate each others good days.  Our marriage just became this awesome love story.  One I had always dreamed of but never – ever thought could ever be.  Mike is my love, my hero, my friend, and my lover.  Never, did I ever believe he could be those things, not because he could not be, but because I believed for so long I could never be worth having someone so wonderful in my life.

My relationship with my son just seemed to get better as well.  No more yelling or fighting.  I was learning how to be happy, maybe for the first time and those closest to me were learning as well! I learned to be patient with my son, to understand he was a teenager, and that I was really his Mom and my job was to not be his friend or his drill Sargent but his guide.  And as a guide I could not make him follow, I could only set a path before him.  He is my pride, my joy, and my love.  He is now my guide as well as I am still his.  Being a parent is the best thing I have ever done.  And I am so glad that I figured it out before my son was grown and it was too late.

From 2005 until 2008 life seemed to just be OK.  It moved at a slower pace.  We went on vacations, to New Mexico and Canada, and life was good.  No stress! I rarely heard from my Dad.  And my Nanny was getting older and had her own health to contend with. I think she finally made peace with the lack of relationship I would ever have with my Dad.  My Dad’s cancer seemed to be in complete remission.

All was quiet!

Then in 2008 we were invited to a family reunion!

And to be honest, I was anxious – almost afraid!  I had not been on medication for several years and there had not been a true test as to how I would do without it.

What I could have never expected happened, I learned I really was going to be OK without medication.  That I really was able to control mania and depression.  And with this discovery, I made a life changing decision.

Next…. The Family Reunion!

March 24, 2011

Toxic Relationships – shocked!

A relationship that is toxic because of your actions is one of the easiest to start to heal, but one of the hardest to admit.

It is the easiest to start to heal because once you recognize what your actions are that are polluting the relationship you just have to become aware and stop doing it.

Changing a behavior is kind of like changing a bad habit.  As long as you are consistent and conscious of what you say and do, soon it becomes second nature.

My mother-in-law was overly involved in my and Mike’s life.  It drove me crazy!  It was always a point of contention between Mike and I.  I would complain, which inevitably lead to an argument between Mike and I.

As Sinead and I continued to dissect my relationships, we moved on to my mother-in-law.

As Sinead and I would discuss how to heal this toxic relationship she would ask me questions.  Questions like “So how did your mother-in-law know that happened and therefor was able to give an unwanted opinion?” or “What did you think would happen when you told your mother-in-law that?”

After several sessions of the same kinds of discussion and questions, Sinead finally asked me “What are you trying to gain by involving your mother-in-law in your relationship?”

I was shocked by her question!  Shocked!

Sinead then said, “Exactly!”

I then admitted it was me, not my mother-in-law, that was the toxic party in the relationship.

Shocked!

By involving my mother-in-law in my relationship with my husband I was creating chaos, animosity, and attempting to drive a wedge between Mike and his Mom.

Remember this from the post “Not what I needed”: “So why was Mike attracted to me?  Sometimes we attract what we need in our lives to find a means to an end. A catalysis to break away from the ties that bind us.”

As much as Mike hated the chaos of this toxic relationship I had created with his Mom, he needed it.  But it was not something I could fix, he would have to do that on his own!

So I stopped!  It was just that easy!  It was strange at first because my mother-in-law just did not understand (and you could tell). It has taken years to repair this relationship because it was toxic from day one.

Now when I want to share something with her, I take a moment before I do to make sure my motives are good. She and I had a very rocky start, but we are getting there. After years of work I can honestly say I love her and I can honestly say she loves me too!

March 10, 2011

A Love Story

When I filed for divorce it was not because I did not love Mike.  I actually loved him very much.  But Mike had become angry and unstable himself.  So angry and unstable, I felt I could not work on being OK living in the same house with him. I had also become incredibly dependent on him and I really wanted to break free and be OK on my own.

My insanity had added to his anger and instability, but as I mentioned before, Mike had some issues of his own.

After I filed for divorce Mike had a choice of his own, he could continue in his own insanity or do some work to get better. I never gave him an ultimatum, I never even offered him a glimmer of hope that our relationship could be saved.  To be honest, I really did not think it had a chance (which is why I filed for divorce).

I believe most men would have just moved on, but he didn’t.  He got help.

How do you know when there might be a chance to save a relationship?

When the person you love is willing to do the work to be OK themselves! And Mike was going to a group to talk about marriage issues, depression issues and other issues weekly.

During this time I was doing my own work.  I was learning about the basics.  The tools of life and was barely learning how to use them.  I was learning that everything in life was a choice.  And on those occasions when something occurs that you have no control over, you still have a choice in the way you react.

After a couple of months he and I started talking to each other in a civil manner, for quite possibly, the first time ever.

Two weeks before our divorce was final….

Mike and I made a promise to each other. We promised each other a happy life no matter how much work it might be, he and I were both worth it!

PS:  We still are!

January 11, 2011

A Thousand Words

does a picture speak……….

Almost 200. lbs!

This day should have been one of the happiest days of my life.  The truth is I was desperate to be happy but I had no idea how to be.  I had hoped by getting married to Mike it would help me to feel like he loved me.  Love was so foreign to me.  Between my examples of what love looked like and the mind numbing medication, I was clueless.  And Mike desperately wanted me to be happy and wanted me to feel loved so he married me.  But Mike had his own demons he was dealing with and it was not until a week after he and I got married that we told anyone that we did it.  Not his family or mine… our wedding was a secret. 

Secrets!  More damn secrets! 

Sadly, this added to the near end of our marriage.  (And yes we are still together but in 2003 I filed for divorce). Although everyone finally knew we were married I held on tight to the secret I had to keep for months as I planned our honeymoon and the hurt of having a wedding shower with only a few friends there.

It also added to my crash.  Please do not misunderstand me, I am not placing blame.  I do not blame Mike for my crash.  I made a choice, and although I thought I had no options at the time, now I know I made a choice! 

About two years later I would be almost half of that weight. 

In two years I would weigh the most I ever have and the least I ever have. 

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