Posts tagged ‘Miscellaneous information.’

October 5, 2010

My two Dads

So as if my family was not dysfunctional enough….

When I was about 10 (damn, that was a hell of a year!) my Mom developed a relationship with my Dad’s friend, Thomas Wayne Gurley.  They became lovers and my Dad found out.  But instead of getting mad or filing for a divorce like normal people, my Dad asked him to move in.  Yep, that’s right, MOVE IN!  I really am not sure but if memory serves me correctly my Dad worked the midnight shift and Wayne would sleep with my Mom while my Dad was at work.  If my Dad was off work, Wayne (as we called him) would sleep on the couch.

This arrangement, for obvious reasons, did not last long before all hell broke loose.   We moved out, leaving Dad, but before long we were back at home – less Wayne Gurley.  Mom carried on a relationship with Wayne for years.  Right up until before she died.  She left Dad 3 or 4 times over the next several years to be with Wayne.

And of course with the addition of Wayne in our lives -more secrets.  More lies.  More More More… insanity!  Oh the stories I could tell.  But that will have to wait for another day.

September 30, 2010

How about we all get naked… our family vacations!

My Mom and Dad loved to camp!  And through a friend they discovered nudist camps.  So where did we go every frickin summer… to different nudist camps.

It is so strange, walking around with a bunch of naked people. Especially when you are 10.  Life becomes very confusing.  And of course more family secrets come along with it.  Now I will have to say I met some wonderful friends there.  But the weight that I carried for many years was very heavy.

When other kids would talk about what they did during the summer or where the went, I never said a word.  Or if I did I would lie.  I was taught to lie at a very young age.  In our family it was not only ok to lie but was encourage!

And what kind of playground is a nudist camp… one for pedophiles.  Some would argue this point and say that it would never be tolerated.  But pedophiles do not show themselves in the light.  They are like vampires.  They look like normal people until they are away from the light.

I am sure my father loved that playground.  I cringe to think of the children he may have hurt throughout the years.  It breaks my heart.

My Mom was either very naive or just pretended to not see the truth.  The truth may actually lie somewhere in between.  Or it may be that my Mom was just to caught up in her own life to realize what was really going on.  I will never know.  I will never understand!

As my next blog will discuss, my Mom sought attention.  Lots of attention.  And it was at the nudist camp where her relationship changed with the same friend who introduced all of us to nudist camps.  His name was Thomas Wayne Gurley.  Soon to be known as my other Dad.

September 29, 2010

Just a quick note before I continue family “trips”

Someone asked me the other day after reading some of my blog how I can be so happy?  They even asked me if it was an act.  <- I was a little taken back by that one.

Well, it is not an act.  I am truly happy!  Do not get me wrong I get frustrated, tired, emotional.. etc just like everyone else.  But this blog is my past.  It is not my present nor my future!  And reliving it has been amazing.  I can not tell you how great a sense of release I have begun to feel.  With each new blog I feel so empowered.

Now that I have given it some thought I think what was really being asked of me is “How can you not feel sorry for yourself?”  The question I ask is “Why should I?” I have a wonderful life… because I CHOOSE my life!  And I CHOOSE to be happy.  Life is can be so good if you just let it be!

Now back to family “trips”!  Next blog…. A family that gets naked together, well…..  !

Don’t forget to share, share, share!  Share especially with anyone you know who might benefit.

September 24, 2010

Getting to know the atheist

When a child is molested they act out!  And I was no exception.

If you read my earlier blog you know my Dad was an atheist.  And for winter solstice (our version of Christmas) my Dad decided to throw a party at our home.  I was 10! The house was packed full of guest, all atheist.  I was in bed, but wanted to join the party with the grownups.  I got out of bed and went into my Mom and Dads room and found one of my Moms sexy night gowns.  Put it on and walked into a room full of people.  Complete silence followed!   Then gasp!  I was so embarrassed.  I remember it well, but have no idea what I was thinking.  Except for that maybe that is what adults expected.

I can’t remember what happened next.  But I do remember the looks on those faces.  Horror!

I acted out many times.  But this was one of the memories that has stuck with me through the years.  I had no gauge, I was taught inappropriate behavior.  This followed me for years, even into my adult life which I will talk about in future blogs.

September 22, 2010

Revival with a Twist and a Punch

My Father had many aspects to him and with these next few memories I will share more of who he was and who I am.

I have to hand it to my parents, as abusive as they could be, neither one of them hit us often.  But the few times either one did it was awful!

When I was about six or seven years old a friend of my Mothers invited me to go to church.  They were having a revival.  I was very excited because my Nanny went to church all the time and my Mom said yes, I could go!

It was very interesting, people were clapping and yelling amen.  I had no idea why, but they all seemed so excited.  Then towards the end of the night people started crying so I cried too.  I felt awful that everyone was so sad, but still I had no idea why.  Then a woman walked over to me and asked me if I knew Jesus.  I replied “No, I had never met him.”  She laughed and asked me if I would like to. I shrugged.  She told me all about how Jesus was my savior and that in order for me to go to heaven I would have to accept him to be my friend, Lord and Savior.  I said OK.  Then she asked me what church I was a member of.  And that is where my nightmare began.  I told her we did not go to church because my Dad did not believe in God.  I could see her expression change.  She was horrified.  Finally, my Moms friend walked over and said it was time to go home.  She spoke with the woman for a few minutes and then we left.

The very next night several people from that church showed up at our house.  I can remember sitting at the kitchen table as my Dad yelled and screamed.  I had never seen him angry before and I was so afraid.  I can not remember one word he said until they left.

Then he looked at me and said “Never again will this happen!”  He walked over to me and pulled me up by my hair.  I hardly had any hair since it was so fine and after he was finished I had even less.  He beat me until I passed out.

I never mentioned going to church or God again to him.  And I most certainly never told anyone he did not believe in God.

For years I hated those people.  Church people.  Until I met Sherry and Phil, who are one of my childhood friend’s parents.  Phil is a pastor of a Pentecostal church.  They are wonderful people.  Who helped parent me throughout the years. I am thankful for their influence on my life.

I still do not believe in God.  But I do believe in people.  For a while, when I was little, I had stopped believing in both.

September 19, 2010

Family “trips”

Now that you know a little about my Mom and probably more than you could have ever wanted to know about my Dad, I think it is time to start a journey….  I will call them the family “trips”.

So my next several post (this will take some time I assure you) will cover our “adventures” as a family.  Including… Revival with  a Twist and a Punch!,  Getting to Know the Atheist, How about We All Get Naked and my all time Favorite, My Two Dad’s, and many more!

So keep checking back!

September 18, 2010

Married to a monster

How would you know?  My Mom married one…

She was desperate to get out.  Out of her own hell, only to crawl into another one.

My Mom’s childhood was horrible.  She was terribly abused.  So the first chance she got… she got OUT!  And her ticket out was my Dad.

My Mom worked at her parents Dairy Mart in Houston.  My Dad just happened to walk in one day, the rest was history!  She could have never known what kind of man she was marrying.  But my Dad on the other hand liked what he saw.  My Mom resembled a 10 yr old little girl and would for years to come.  Not only was she tiny but her mentality was that of a child as well.  She was just under 5′ tall and weighed under 100 lbs most of her life.  The perfect bride (or so my Dad thought) for a man like my Dad.

But then my Mom grew up.  And she drank!  I think part of the reason she drank so much is she knew my Dad had his own demons.  But, of course, I am in no way implying my Mother’s drinking was my Dad’s fault.  But realizing that you are married to a monster has to do something to you.  And having children with him must be awful.

She left my Dad many, many times.  I have no idea why she kept going back.  Maybe because we seek those that make us feel normal, even when that normal is hell!

September 13, 2010

My Mom

The Family 1978

Notice how I am looking down and not smiling.

Linda Sue Miller Hard.  Born May 1 1949 died April 19 1985.

My Mom truly helped shape me into the human I am today.  And even though I only knew her for 16 yrs she had an enormous impact on my life.  Not just because she was my Mom, but because she had an enormous impact on everyone she met.

Ironically, she was so full of life.  Even at the end.  She loved to have fun, to laugh and she loved being a care taker to those who could no longer care for themselves.  She became a nurse in 1978.  She worked with the elderly up until the year before she died.  She had went to work for TDC just about 6 months before she died.

But when she drank it was awful!  It was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and alcohol was her poison.  She would become so angry and break things and scream.  Good lord would she scream.  She had horrible impulse control and would do the strangest things.

Chaos!

When I was about 6 or 7 she put all of us kids in the car.  She had been drinking and she had decided to leave Dad.  She started the car and then went back inside.  I have no idea how long she was inside but my brother, Erskine, decided to crawl over into the drivers seat.  He was only about 2 or 3 yrs old.  He hit the emergency brake and the car rolled back into the woods.  We sat in that car for I do not know how long!  Finally Dad found us.  You might be asking yourself, where was your Mom?  Who the hell knows!  I laugh now, but then I was petrified!

Chaos.  Always chaos!

She was such an interesting woman and she loved saving other humans.  This funniest thing she ever told me was “Veronica, you can’t save the world until you save yourself.”  It is funny because I think she was trying to save the world in her own strange way.

I know my Mom was a good friend to those who were in her life.  Her best friends Edith and Peggy stood by her through thick and thin.  They are still keeping up with us kids to this day and are now here for us when we need them.  Only because of my Mom are we lucky enough to have people like them in our life.

Sadly, I do not think she saw herself as good at all.  I truly believe she wanted to be good, which is why she became a nurse.

I miss her.  Even the chaos.  For years I recreated that chaos my life.  I almost mimicked her but with out the use of alcohol.  I just never could drink very much :).

I guess I am a lot like her.  I have a savior complex too, but mine is saving dogs.  I also fight with finding the good in me.  I work daily on discovering as much good in me as I can.  I know I am also a good friend.  I have some of the best friends in the world.  And the only way you can have good friends is to be a good friend!

September 13, 2010

Time to put it in reverse

Before that night, life at the Hard house was always chaotic!  As most already know, my Mom, Linda, drank A LOT!  She had demons that no one could understand, not even her.

In my next several blogs I will talk about her demons.  Why she drank.  My suspicions of her childhood.  Why she married my Dad.  And most importantly what it was like having her as a Mom.

This is important to the tale of The Legacy of a Child Molester, because I am that legacy and without the influence of my Mom I would not be who I am today.

September 11, 2010

The first time he came into my room – 1976

I sleep! I mean really sleep. Not much wakes me up. That is why after my Dad starting coming into my room at night I quit going to sleep. I slept in class, on the school bus and outside during the day. I had a secret place in the woods across the street from our house that I would sneak stuff to so I could be comfortable.

The first time he woke me up. I have no idea why, but I pretended to stay asleep. Soon he would come into my room and find me awake. I would get into to trouble and he would say “You have school tomorrow, go to sleep.” He even told my Mom I was not sleeping at night. That I was staying up all night reading. So I got in trouble from Mom too. She actually asked me why I was not sleeping. I never said a word! I just shrugged and walked back to my room. Sadly, my Mom told me if I did not sleep I would get ugly and fat. This was her attempt to encourage me to sleep. Little did she know that was perfect! I felt like if I was ugly and fat my Dad would stop coming into my room.

But you can’t stay awake forever! And I hated that I couldn’t!

And so it began, years of gaining and losing weight! In my adulthood so far I have been over 200 lbs and as small 115 lbs. And years of bipolar mania from lack of sleep. Then of course depression followed. And we cannot forget all the medication to try and keep me sane!

But you can’t stay awake forever!

Seven years ago I started to face why and who I am with the help of an awesome therapist, I have overcome those issues for the most part.  I am hoping after completing this blog I will be done (but I doubt it).  I sleep now, I have not had the need to take medication in almost that long, and my weight has been almost the exact same (I am not telling :)) for at least the last 5 yrs!

A side note:1976 was the same year my Mom started nursing school at night. Opportunity established… now how do I figure out motive?

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