Posts tagged ‘Mother’

April 3, 2011

Where next?

Healing toxic relationships are the most important part of my recovery. By acknowledging them and identifying why they are toxic I am able to keep balance in my life.

But healing toxic relationships are only a part of my journey to sanity and recovery. So I think I will attempt to dispel all of my diagnosis over the years.

First, I think it is important for my readers to understand that I do not deny there is depression, bi-polar disorder, personality disorders, etc. What I do want you to know, for my life anyway, is that medication does not heal any of these, nor is it something I will need forever.

A psychiatrist once told me, “You have an imbalance and in order to fix that imbalance you will need to take medication the rest of your life. Much like someone who is a diabetic.” That was a lie.

It is a lie I have heard many times!

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March 24, 2011

Toxic Relationships – shocked!

A relationship that is toxic because of your actions is one of the easiest to start to heal, but one of the hardest to admit.

It is the easiest to start to heal because once you recognize what your actions are that are polluting the relationship you just have to become aware and stop doing it.

Changing a behavior is kind of like changing a bad habit.  As long as you are consistent and conscious of what you say and do, soon it becomes second nature.

My mother-in-law was overly involved in my and Mike’s life.  It drove me crazy!  It was always a point of contention between Mike and I.  I would complain, which inevitably lead to an argument between Mike and I.

As Sinead and I continued to dissect my relationships, we moved on to my mother-in-law.

As Sinead and I would discuss how to heal this toxic relationship she would ask me questions.  Questions like “So how did your mother-in-law know that happened and therefor was able to give an unwanted opinion?” or “What did you think would happen when you told your mother-in-law that?”

After several sessions of the same kinds of discussion and questions, Sinead finally asked me “What are you trying to gain by involving your mother-in-law in your relationship?”

I was shocked by her question!  Shocked!

Sinead then said, “Exactly!”

I then admitted it was me, not my mother-in-law, that was the toxic party in the relationship.

Shocked!

By involving my mother-in-law in my relationship with my husband I was creating chaos, animosity, and attempting to drive a wedge between Mike and his Mom.

Remember this from the post “Not what I needed”: “So why was Mike attracted to me?  Sometimes we attract what we need in our lives to find a means to an end. A catalysis to break away from the ties that bind us.”

As much as Mike hated the chaos of this toxic relationship I had created with his Mom, he needed it.  But it was not something I could fix, he would have to do that on his own!

So I stopped!  It was just that easy!  It was strange at first because my mother-in-law just did not understand (and you could tell). It has taken years to repair this relationship because it was toxic from day one.

Now when I want to share something with her, I take a moment before I do to make sure my motives are good. She and I had a very rocky start, but we are getting there. After years of work I can honestly say I love her and I can honestly say she loves me too!

March 8, 2011

Waking Up

When I woke up in the hospital I was just mad!  Mad at my Mom and mad at my Dad!  Mad at Mike and mad at me.  I was just MAD!

But beneath all of that anger was the love I had for my son!

When Jake came to see me at the hospital he asked me with tears in his eyes, “Mom, are you dying?”  “Do you want to die?”  I did not know how to answer him.  My heart was breaking for him.  I saw myself at about his age.  I never asked my Mom if she was going to die, but I expected it all the time.

Jake is my everything.  And when I decided to die I thought I was doing him a favor.  My life was better when my Mom died and now it is better because my Dad died.  But the truth is it could have been incredible if my Mom had ever worked to be OK and if my Dad had done the same.  I was so mad at both of them for not.  And even worse I felt like I had not been worth it to either one of them to get help!

I realized when I woke up in the hospital that I did not want Jake to just be a little better off without me.  I did not want him to be mad at me and think he was not worth the work for me to be OK.  Suddenly my love for my son and looking beyond myself into his future pushed me to be so mad that I decided. . . NO MORE!

I was going to get better and be OK, not only Jake but for me!

I had finally woken up!

October 7, 2010

Survival and my first time (yes they go together)

Survival!  All three of us have it.  Me, my brother and my sister.  I am not sure exactly where it comes from but it is in our DNA.  I am pretty sure it comes from my Nanny’s side of the family.  My Nanny lived to be 96, her Dad about the same and her Mom into her late 80’s.

We take cues from our environment and find our way to safety.  Sometimes by whatever means necessary.

So when my Dad started becoming more aggressive, it no longer mattered if I was awake, he gave clues to his next move.  I read them and made necessary adjustments.

I was thirteen when my Dad asked me if I had ever had sex.  I said no, which was true.  I could see it in his eyes… it mattered but not like it would matter to a normal father.  It mattered because he was thinking ahead.

About two weeks later I told my Dad and my Mom I was no longer a virgin.  It was the truth and he knew it…. he never touched me again!

I could not bear the thought of that man taking my virginity. I was a survivor and I was afraid that was more than I could bear.

So one weekend it happened, I spent the weekend with a friend, Raquel, and she and I snuck out.  I can not for the life of me remember who she was dating but he was friends with a guy named James.  He showed interest and the rest is history.  I had opportunity and motive.  I must note James had no idea I was only 13.  And no idea it was about survival… that I picked him!  He was kind and gentle.  Nothing like my Dad.  Unlike most girl’s first, I do not think I ever really loved James.  But I cared for him very much and to this day appreciate how sweet he was that night.  He and I remained close for years after.

It was years before I had sex again.  I was promiscuous like many girls that are molested.  Looking for acceptance the only way I knew how to.  But never went “all the way” again for a very long time.

The next several years my life changed dramatically.  And the chaos that ensued was awful.  The chapter of my life where I was afraid to sleep at night closed.  A new chapter where I walked around in a haze, most of it seems like a dream, began.  From 13 to 16 I no longer fit in with my family.  I was like a puzzle piece that just did not fit.

August 31, 2010

The second time I told

Just several weeks before my Mom died I told her what Dad had done.  They had just gotten divorced so I thought it would be OK… I was so wrong!!

That night she drank more than I had ever seen her drink.  And sometime shortly after midnight she woke my sister and I out of bed.  She demanded to know why I had seduced my Dad and if Kissy had done the same thing.  She then said we should die and went and got her pistol.  I ran with Kissy into a bedroom and baracaded the door.  I hid Kissy and I in the closet for hours and Mom yelled and screamed from outside the window and door. Finally she passed out.  When she woke I was gone… Kissy would not leave with me.

I stayed with Angie at her Dad’s (Ray) for a couple of weeks before Mom called crying and apologizing.  She begged me to come and stay with her.  She said she and I would talk and everything would be OK.  She told me she loved me and promised to not to drink.

She kept that promise for almost a week… and then she died!

Her blood alcohol level was enough to kill her by itself.  She died in a one car accident near Trinity, TX

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